Being Present In Our Family’s Lives
And others who walk into our lives…
Let me start by telling you about a person I have known since he was born, and I’m crazy for him; my brother, who is thirteen months younger than I. We have been through a lot in life together, some good, some bad.
He used to make money from me when I came home in high school a wee bit drunk (I had not driven, and MADD was a thing back then),and I’d have to face my mother and kiss her good night. She would smell the fumes and holy hell would rain down upon me. But. For a mere $5 baby brother would vouch for me and lie and say I was fine.
Fast forward decades to when I realized he was an alcoholic. He had come to my house for Thanksgiving, along with our extended family, and they all had to fly out to see me. He arrived with a smashed face, and he didn’t know if he had been in a fight or fallen.
But it took the quiet of Sunday night when everyone had left, for my brother to ask if I had anything stronger than beer. I did, but was I suppose to hand it over? I didn’t realize he had drunk every bottle of booze and wine in my house and was suffering from withdrawal. I got him home, somehow, and then called my family. Intervention time.
I once attended a meeting with him, because my sister said it showed our support for him. I had just gotten botox in the wrinkles around my eyes, and one of them had sprouted a terrible bruise. I had a black eye.
My brother stood up to talk a bit, and he introduced me to a room full of kind strangers all united in sobriety. Afterward, many of them asked if I had fallen or been in a fight! I spluttered, slightly ashamed about my vanity, when my brother said, “Oh, she’s not an alcoholic. She got a black eye from botox.”
The AA group seem genuinely interested in botox, and I was interested in their journey, because for them it is truly a day by day process. When they go through their first day of sobriety it is second by second, and they’re barely hanging on.
My brother failed rehab two times, and my father gave up. (Brother had left Colorado to move back in with mom and dad in Philly.) My mother dug in and kept affirming my brother, saying he would do it. I called and asked what he was stumbling over, knowing he was working on the 12 steps.
He said he didn’t believe in a higher power, and that was a fairly early step. I have a strong faith, so we talked about God, and my brother found a little bit of faith. Just enough to keep going, and he has been sober for over fourteen years. I am so very proud of him that my eyes are tearing up just now.
My question for you is what is going on in your family that needs to be addressed? There is almost always someone who needs help, especially these days. We have an anorexic that isn’t getting better, but it is out in the open; everyone knows and we are working on a plan.
As long as love is part of the message, there is always hope.
We spend more time on earth with our siblings than with anyone else. They know us, starting from the ground up; so maybe being real with siblings is a good touchpoint. Maybe we need to be honest and fair as we do life with our children, their spouses, and at rare times their children.
I won’t join a support group for lupus. Well, I’m supposedly in one online, but when I want answers and receive a, “I’ll pray to God to heal you,” I feel unheard. Slightly angry too, because are they really going to pray for me, or is it a panacea meant to stop my questions? And I do have faith, and it still bothers me. I want the truth! I need answers.
My kid brother leads AA groups at times, and it works for him. My friend went to an outpatient group to address her anorexia. And who hasn’t been in counseling? Well, okay, maybe you haven’t, but a good therapist is an excellent resource. I found a counselor I loved, and a year later I decided I was fine. When I wanted back in, she said the pandemic had her busier than ever.
Maybe the world would be better if we all had an AA type of group to go into and deal with the detritus of living. Maybe we need a group that isn’t negative, just like AA letting a relapsed person back in. Again. Handing out chips for 30 days of sobriety.
How about 30 day chips for mercy? For kindness? For not complaining?
Think about it. And don’t give up on your family so easily. Especially siblings. They can be trying, just as we are to them. Let’s try niceness for a bit and see where that lands us. Try being positive. I’d give out a chip for 30 days of unadulterated niceness.
