Only the Lonely
What to do when loneliness lives with you…
Even before the great pandemic of 2020–2022 hit, people felt lonely. So many people lived an online life which doesn’t substitute for a real person and interaction with others. Now there’s an epidemic of lonely people who want it to end; they’re trapped.
We’re not told how to make friends, we don’t know social media is going to turn on us and make us feel inept and jealous (it feels like one big show-off contest at times), and who knew we’d be forced to live in our tiny spaces or large ones echoing with just our footfalls for company. Alone.
You can fix that today.
Years of moving taught me ways to end perennial loneliness, and those tips still work today. So here goes…
Don’t get delivery. Go out there and buy what you need. Being around people helps, and if you start grocery shopping at the same time you will begin noticing some always shop on Thursdays at 3:00 or whenever.
Walk. Get out of your space. My neighborhood has walkers at all hours, but 6:00 to 7:00 in the evening brings us hordes of walkers. Walk in safe places, smile at people, and make sure to say hi to the other friendly looking regulars.
Speaking of regulars, find a Starbucks, Dunkin’ or Waffle House and only go there. Make it your place, and no drive-throughs. Nope, you’re walking inside, and if you have time, bring your book and spend an hour.
At your new spot make sure to chat with the help. Learn their names, and talk about the weather, what’s good to drink there, and what they do. I’ve met so many friendly souls at Starbucks. One old lady stays there, reading and sipping cups of fragrant tea while perched in a worn leather chair.
If you’re fond of animals adopt a cat or dog. Even a bird makes for a lively companion. I like the insouciance of cats, and even one cat is enough to keep me company, and they don’t require the hours of care a dog commands.
Turn on the radio or music.
Bake for your neighbors. Sharing food is one of the oldest ways to foster warmth between people. If your neighbors aren’t friendly, bake for your firefighters or police.
I’ve found great friends at churches that fit me and my style. The people who go there always have a few sarcastic Christians who are avant garde, and when I find them it is bliss. Try a church.
Volunteer. Helping the less fortunate is rewarding, and you might discover your life is pretty okay. This live needs more people willing to work at food panties, be a Big Brother, or work on literacy.
Join a group. Tennis. Book club. Scrapbooking. Art classes. I’ve found good friends in Pilates classes and at yoga. Find your group, and find your friends.
Don’t be overeager. Just a thought really, but if you rush into a setting and overshare about yourself that will put off most people. Just bide your time and wait for someone to break the ice. Remember to ask about them, too. A friendship is a give and take; a back and forth, and being overly needy is a turn off.
Being too needy and requiring lots of maintenance won’t help. One friend cannot be your whole world. You will have a close friend or two, maybe a few more who are friendly yet not so close, and then your acquaintances. That’s usually the hierarchy, and if you can keep things light with the acquaintances and not-so-close friends, you will have plenty of people in your full life.
Having friends means being a good friend back. It will take time and effort to maintain and foster friends, and some days you won’t feel inclined to answer their text or call. But a good friend comes with a price, and that’s a bit of an inconvenience at times. Assess how much you’re willing to give, because that will determine how many people you can manage.
You might feel overwhelmed with five friends. Fine. Back it down to two. Our thresholds are different. Remember not to be taken advantage of by new friends. My daughter made anew friend, only to have this woman ask her to watch her kids the next day while she went to work! That is not a friendship; it is a woman trolling for suckers who will babysit her kids for free.
We are not alone in feeling alone. Not in this season of rampant loneliness. So many of us want a close friend, or we’ve been burned too many times. Maybe your friend died like mine just did. Maybe you’re in transition. Have hope and you’ll get there. You will!
Be kind to you, and keep your spirits up! Life does get better as you age. I’m not kidding. I’m much happier than I ever could be in my 20s. The 30s were better, but after 40 is great!
I hope you find a way to connect with others. It’s a tough world out there. Take good care of yourself.
