When the Kids Leave Home
Handing out advice only when asked is just one rule to follow. Here are more…
Many parents think they’re done when those kids walk out the door and into college, the military or their first job. How wrong we are! Sure, some parents decide they’re finished and decide to disengage from doing things with those adult, or rather, semi-adult children. I’m finding out most of our kids aren’t ready to be completely on their own when they clear out of their bedroom and leave dust and silence behind.
I don’t know about you, but I cried just looking at my youngest’s high school graduation cap and gown as they rested on the kitchen table. He placed it there, rather than in his room, and I would look at it and tears would start. If I was done being a stay-at-home mom then what was I becoming? Retired? Done? Washed-up? I still had the halcyon days of summer to enjoy my waning days of active parenthood, but his full-time job and friends and that girlfriend took up most of his time.
But I discovered one way to lure him and my two daughters home: food. When I made dinner or promised a take-out dinner of BBQ with hushpuppies, those kids came back to my house. We talked, laughed and told stories about what they did as kids; even things I didn’t know. Who knew my daughter ripped out the screen in the basement and crawled out that tiny window to jump off the bridge and into a creek? Who knew another daughter took out all her skinny jeans and had her guy friends try them on for kicks?
Back to parenting, though. Schools used to teach us how to sew, make a bird house, and how to write a check, but not any longer. Gone are the days of sewing a pillow, cooking eggs and setting the table for a meal with other home-economics students. It’s usually up to us to teach these children how to fully function once they’re out of the house, though we have to proceed with caution.
We are used to doling out advice, and these kids might need it in our opinion, but so often they have to find their own way. It might not be the path we would choose, but it’s not our life. We might even see a potential landmine in their future, but how did we learn? Didn’t we manage to land in some awful situations? Didn’t we learn by placing our hand on that hot stove? They will, too, and if not, that’s their issue.
We become their friend. Not right away, perhaps, but at some point it seems like plenty of children decide mom and dad are okay, if not a little outdated. I might not text as quickly as they do, and they taught me how to deposit a check by taking a picture, but we parents have some wisdom that only arrives over time. Our kids will look back at us at points, too, almost as if they’re going through separation anxiety all over again, but we’ll smile and assure them all is well.
How many of us have stood in a new apartment or dorm room, and after making their bed or hanging a shower curtain, our child has told us it’s okay. We can leave now, only we weren’t ready. I’ve had tears in my eyes three times, where I didn’t want to let go of them, but I had to swallow my worries and leave. We have to back out of their lives. It’s the only way forward, and it stings sometimes.
I drove home after my son assured us he was fine, and his basketball rested in the grass by the basketball hoop. I took a photo of it, because it explained so much. The little boy who had spent hours taking shots at that net left me behind, and I hurt. I missed him only a few hours after leaving the kid. I worried if his inherent shyness would stand in his way of making friends. Would he be okay? It felt like sending him on the bus to kindergarten all over again, except on a much larger scale. He was fine after a few wobbly days.
Just this past week, after we paid the last tuition bill for all time, I told my son to study hard. What did my kid say to me? “Mother (only spoken when I’ve stepped over the line), how long have I been in college?” “Almost five years.” He is in a five-year program. “And how many semesters have I been through?” “Nine,” I said rather quietly. “I’m pretty sure I know to study hard by now, mom.” He does. He had a 3.8 last semester, and I didn’t even know he made Dean’s List the past five semesters, but that mom in me thought I had to remind him of his purpose in school.
The rules of engagement with our adult children might look like this:
Only dish out advice when asked.
Don’t ask how much money they make at their first real job.
Don’t meddle in their love life. They know what apps to use or places to go. They might ask our advice, and then we can say Bumble works better than Tinder, but they likely know what app to use. We know if they should send some flowers or say they’re sorry. Wait to be asked.
Don’t clean their space. It’s their mess or clean haven. My mom once visited after I had scrubbed my house from floor to attic, and she scoured my bathtub on arrival. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t say anything, but it hurt.
Love them. In good times and bad. They need to be loved, and we need to give it.
Forgive them, just they way we’ll need to be forgiven for when we step over the line or hurt them. Apologies will be needed. I have relatives who hold grudges and are estranged from their kids, and it’s sad to watch. If only my aunt would forgive. If only the kids would realize moms and dads make mistakes.
Food brings them home. If you’re not a good cook, order pizza.
Keep some of their favorite foods in your pantry. I used to check my mother-in-law’s pantry for chips or pretzels, and she didn’t mind one bit. My own kids call out a hello and make a stop by the pantry where chocolate and potato chips await. Food is comforting. I also keep fresh veggies in the fridge for my vegetarian kid.
If your kids have kids, keep toys on hand. Baby proof parts of your home. This makes it easier for your children to enjoy spending time in your place.
Don’t parent the grandkids, but be willing to go over and hold that infant who stays awake all night. I watched Bridgeton while holding a newborn, and momma managed to grab a bit of sleep. Besides, newborns really do smell so good.
Make more memories with your adult kids. Go on vacation together. Take a hike or make pottery together. Maybe it’s time to host a game night.
Laugh with your adult kids.
Be there when they need you, and they will. This world is full of pain, and they’ll need comforting from you. I still call my mom from time to time and share some concerns with her. My dad, too.
Remember to find your own interests, so you’re not waiting for your phone to ring, hoping it’s your child calling. They’re not going to fill that hole or the extra time you have.
Ask before you move to the city your kid lives in. I know many kids who moved away from their parents for a reason. So ask them about it.
Most of all, enjoy your children. No matter their age our kids are interesting and fun. Adult children might believe different things than we do, but it’s our place to love them and enjoy them. Life is short. Make the most of your time here on this earth, and enjoy your kids.
